i feel like a dumb fuck

i really do

----- final whistle, game over -----

"i just showed everyone our foto... they all say we look really great together..."
am i supposed to be happy? or am i supposed to be sad?

anyhow... the thing with us youngsters is... we never think about the future. and do u know how dangerous that is? be it in any aspects of our lives - career... money... family... friends... love... we never plan for the future.

are our bank accounts filled enough to get married, buy a house, start paying own bills and live off our parents in another 10 years time? with 5 years of studyin... and only 5 years to work... by 30 will we be able to ease the burden off our parents?

have we thought about whether our careers will bring in enough income for us to support our own family? have we thought about what unit trusts or shares to invest in? or how else we can increase our income besides leaving the money in the bank to accumulate pathetic interests?

how is the rship with our parents and family like? are we arguing all the time like we have the whole future to make it up to them? what happens if u find out you are only gonna get another 4 more years together... wld u still shout at everyone in yr family?

what are the rships with yr partners like? are they truthful open long term rships? or are they just rships where u THINK u can marry each other... when there's just not enough bond... not enough honesty... not enough love for each other? dun forget... a married couple sees each other everyday... have u built enough friendship with yr partner so that u see yrself as best friends? that's impt cuz best friends dun get sick of each other... and u cant get sick of yr husband either. is there enough open-ness to be able to see that your partner will be faithful to you and the family the whole of the future? that he will be able to share with you any life-long problems or any other woman that comes into his life in future? is there enough understanding and connection to be able to want the same number of kids, the same type of house or furniture, the same name for your kids... and all these? is there enough commitment to know TRULY that even if your partner becomes disabled now u will still live your future with him?

do we even know enough to be ready for the future? do we know about investments and shares? do we know about careers, taxes, housing schemes? do we know about family and how it is so impt that every step of upbringing a child is so impt... one slip and it really makes a difference?

or do we just take the future for granted? do we really know what we want? im 20 this year... and im just highlighted about the enormity of my future... and it scares me... there's just so much to think about... money... career... investments... a marriage partner...

some of you may think it's not impt... that im only just 20... im still young... but think about it... is it really not that impt? it's our own future we're talking about here... our own lifelong happiness... is it that easy to not care?

----- final whistle, game over -----

eeeks... jamie's post has tugged at my heart strings... quite so badly... and as mushy as this sounds it really means alot to me that i think someone finally understands how i feel or felt for that matter....

for months... in fact more than a year... ive found it impossible to justify my actions... in fact i think we've found it hard to justify and explain our actions... it's hard to get pple to understand... pple are quick to judge... pple are fast to wag the finger at you and call you a bitch or bastard... but hey... like wad jamie says... do they even know the details... and i believe you really have to be in the situation to understand wad it is like...

"unjustifiable but understandable" yeps... i think that's the best way to put it... and cuz of that ive finally stopped judging pple who cheat... ive stopped lookin at them with disgust and horror... instead i always look at them and tell myself... "im sure they've had their reasons for that" in actual fact... everybody has a conscience... everybody has a heart. and everybody im sure will feel bad for cheating on their partners... so nobody is really evil-hearted... it's what the person chooses to do. to follow their hearts and find their happiness? or just to do what is right?

and what adrian mentioned awhile ago... really made me wanna stand up on my feet and applaud him... cuz u seldom get a neutral party saying smth liddat... but here he goes "if you see the cheat as a huge lie a huge cheat, den of cuz, that person is so terribly wrong. but if you see the cheat as looking for happiness and following your own heart to happiness, that person is not so wrong anymore" and i think he's right... pulled the words out of my mouth indeed... in fact i think it takes a strong person to follow their hearts... it really does...

for sometimes, rships just reach a level where u realise that nothin much can go on anymore... that u just dun have that connection and u just arent happy... and that ure in it cuz it's easier to stay than to leave...

and it seriously takes a person who has experienced smth liddat to understand what it feels like... the guilt of the mistake... yet the need for happiness and closure.

i definitely did wrong... and i was stared upon with tinted glasses for a very long time... i lost all my good friends cuz of what i did.... which is really sad cuz nobody was there for me... nobody was there for him either... and so i guess that's what makes it special... we were the only ones there for each other... the only ones who understood why it happened although it was wrong. i hated going out to meet up with pple we both knew... i hated saying hi or creating conversations with pple... for i knew that deep inside their hearts, they were saying things about me and that they ultimately just thought i was a bitch... i was alone and scared for a very long time...

but i believe im starting to find my buddies back... im starting to find the love back... and im glad for it... it really takes pple with depth to understand a cheat situation from all angles... a person who has been through the harsh realities of life... the painful experiences of rships. without that... nope... no matter how much u say "i understand yes i feel you" ure wrong... u dont actually... deep down u know ure judging the person as... "still ure a bitch and it's fucking wrong"

ive been feeling really strongly about this for the past 2 years (time flies manz... that's how long it's been) ive been feeling alone and glared at with disgust for 2 years... and it all became worse when we both chose happiness for ourselves...

but before you guys judge us... and for "us" i mean the cheaters of the world... do you guys even really understand the depth of the situation? it is impt u know... to understand it... before u wag that finger at us and talk about us behind our backs...
and i personally know how it feels to be cheated on too... so really... i know how it feels to be cheated on... to cheat on someone... and to cheat with someone... and it really sucks... it leaves you a black mark for life... it's as if uve been to jail and ure a disgusting bitch... but really... i admit ive been wrong... but i know there're pple out there who understand me too... and im glad...

----- final whistle, game over -----

AHHHHH! ive got a psych paper later on at 5... and i havent even finished studying... sucks manz! and there's negative marking which means i cant go guessing and all.... and i din do too well for my first test and for my term paper. which means... i really need to grasp this... looks like im just dead... :(

----- final whistle, game over -----

betray

be·tray [ bi tráy ] (past and past participle be·trayed, present participle be·tray·ing, 3rd person present singular be·trays)
transitive verb

Definition:
1. help enemy: to harm or be disloyal to a country or another person by helping an enemy or giving information that is confidential
2. surrender somebody or something treacherously: to deliver somebody or something to an enemy
3. go against promise: to act in a way that is contrary to a promise made
4. reveal something: to show something, often

be·tray·al noun
be·tray·er noun

----- final whistle, game over -----

have u guys actually asked yourself what kinda rship you guys are in??? well... here's a few of the types of rships ive actually noticed there are...

fling - this is the most basic and crappy kind i guess... the kind that hardly has any emotions involved... just the typical heat, passion... where ure in it just for fun... for some steaming... and i believe just for sex

companion - then there's the one that just has not much heat in it... most pple are in rships liddat without knowing it... sucks but true. where ure just with the person cuz u really enjoy that person's company... u noe he/she will always be there when ure bored and u give a call... there're emotions... just not clear which ones. pple tend to think they're truly in love just cuz they enjoy that person's company... and that person can make them laugh and smile... or even just feel good about themselves

obligation/attachment -this one sucks as much... ure in it... but ure unhappy... okie... maybe not sad... but just not happy... and cuz uve been with the person for so long... it's easier to stay than to leave. unless someone new comes along. so u stay... u hang... ure in it cuz of attachment and obligation

just the girl/boy-friend - you love each other. but u both never really think of the future together. you just love each other but you're unsure if he/she is the one for you... whether or not he/she is likely to be your lifelong partner

wive/husband material - this one's stable... this one's the one where u know you wanna marry the person... where you love the person... you're more or less married to him/her already... just not officially... but ure dating stable... ure doin fine... not much sparks and heat... just happy and contented... and stable

soulmates - there... this is the one that rocks... and the one that everybody wants. where u have a connection with each other. ure basically best friends... ure lovers... there's the constant passion but not overwhelming such that it's unbelieveable. u both just love hanging out with each other... ud talk about anythin under the sun... ure open with each other about everything... and ud do anythin and everything possible together... u have common interests... u support each other in everything... well... this is the one where i believe is possible... but hard to come by

so have u guys ever wondered what kinda rship u guys are in? i think rships are really vulnerable... cherish yr ones pple... you never know when ull lose your lover...

----- final whistle, game over -----

social life... haha! wad an ironic paper... i felt so lame writing it seriously. hope ill do ok... one of my not so confident modules... but i hope i crapped enough shite to impress... haha!

oh wells... it's the start of a new week... another long wait till my monster comes out of camp. im honestly impressed by his sudden spurt of muscles... amazing. haha! and he likes it... but i don't! ive warned him that in the middle of the night i will just use needles and start bursting all of them... haha! i really was so tempted to do so on sat night... but i finally realised how much i love looking at him... just looking... although now it's abit weird cuz everytime i see the botak head... i cant help but laugh... it's cute la... but muscles? eeks... u noe i really hate big guys... i always imagine them beating me up or smth... haha! at least i can fight scrawny ones off... but then again... big guys stand up for you? they "protect you" as they put it... and my big guy did stand up for me agst big bullies... so maybe his muscles are doing gd... :)

and we experienced this really funny thing this wknd... and im not sure if any of you have gone through it before... but it's really farnee. u see... ive been busy all week... studyin for my papers... in hope of clearing the wknd for his book out... so friday night there i was mugging my head off... sleeping for merely 2 half hrs, rushed down for oral comm class at orchard on sat mornin and den zoomed down to sembawang. he on the other hand... had a tiring week and u noe... not enough rest cuz NDU only gives u 12 to 4 plus kinda sleep. so in our own separate hearts we wanted to really make the best of the wknd for the other person... so we went to have a good yummy meal and went to watch Wild Hogs. in the cinema... both of us were taking turns to fall asleep... it's not that the show was bad... it was quite funny... just that we both were just too tired... and we tried to hide our tiredness from each other... haha! i went to the toilet before the movie to wash my face... he went during the movie... but we both just kept the fact that we were tired from each other... just so it'd work our great for the other party. it's really farnee... after that when we went home... on the bed only did we tell each other that we both are actually very tired... and found out what we've been doing for each other, falling asleep secretly during the movie. i think it's pretty sweet really... haha! him especially... putting aside sleep for me... it's a big thing... and really... it's funny... so we ended up sleeping in each other's arms for a while... okie... a long while... haha!

experienced that feeling before? like... uve been studyin like a mad dog... den the last day of exams ure just so damn tired... u wanna go home and plop on the bed... but hey no... it's the last day of exams!!! so u cant just sleep... u hafta go celebrate and make the best outta it. haha! and end up dozing off half the time ure out... haha!

i really cant wait for exams to end... haha! serious... oh and i cant wait for next book out... it's yummy crabs! haha!

i think it's quite amazing too... women instinct and bond... u noe when we dropped marcus off at his camp... i felt so horrible... again... (i think i will always feel horrible) so i just kept quiet... fighting back the tears and tellin myself that the next week will come... den his mum just suddenly turned around and smiled at me... and the look in her face just said it all... we both miss him so much... but we both know we'll pull through... and that ultimately... wad matters is that we both love him and he loves us... and then after smiling to each other for a good 5 seconds... we both started giggling and laughing... and uncle philip was like... huh why??? haha! and wad his mum said really is true... men just dun get it.

okie... i need to mug hard... so i can leave my wknds free... and i can leave labour day free!!!

i think im really tired... cus woke me up really early this morning to tell me about... ya... a certain someone's msg and complains... and yeps... after that i just cldnt get back to sleep cuz it was only 1 hr more before my alarm wld ring... so wats the point right? haha!

i need to sleep now... wake up to eat smth later on... and den it's studyin e-lang... yea! my comfy bed... here i come!!!!

----- final whistle, game over -----

had a fabulous wknd... haha! fulfilled... fun-packed... meaningful most of all... and that's impt... at least now we can lead the next week with a satisfied heart and with a deeper understanding.

fantastic wknd almost went BOMB when man u drew 1-1 with boro... wah... i tell you... it was so painful. haha! i almost couldnt sleep...

and then chelsea eased my pain with a nil-nil draw with newcastle... haha! sorry chelsea fans but.. i love u newcastle... thanks for making my treble dreams possible again... :)

got a paper tomorrow at 9am... gotta run now...

----- final whistle, game over -----

now i feel my mum's pain... i get what she's going thru... im feeling it in my right leg... i have horrible posture and sleeping positions...
funny that my mum, dad and maid all pointed out that me and marcus sleeps in the same position... lying down and with our legs crossed the guys way... upwards... haha!
which is bad really... now it's causing me some problems with my back nerves and my discs and some shit...

haiz...

----- final whistle, game over -----

studyin sucks... haha! im dying with all the psych in my head... u end up asking yrself questions like... is that what's going on in my head??? but cool la... i start to understand pple better... and i start to see what pple are thinking... hey... do u noe that there're like a list of "signs the person's lying"???? haha! pretty darn cool eh??? and i think it's pretty accurate... not only because it's compiled by a renowned psychologist... but because i think it's really true... it's not those typical dun look in yr eye shit??? it's natural body reactions... like pupil action in the eye... etc... haha! damn cool shit...

haiz... i seem to be motivated to study only 3 out of my 5 modules... european history is in the dumps la... history sucks... and social life geog... it makes no sense... the whole thing doesnt link... at least i dun get the link...

oh and i may be back to helping at aunty faith... yay! i love it there... the kids...

oh blee... ure coming out tomorrow... it's yummy food and baobao all day long... i miss u so much...

----- final whistle, game over -----

i think this is damn interesting...

DOG

CAT

CAR

BIRD

FISH

which of the 5 is least like the other 4?

this was an IQ test question... and the pple in US, like many of us i believe wld answer CAR right? it being the only non-living thing... thus the odd one out...

however, many pple in Japan wld choose FISH... beacuse in their culture, they rely on the sea so much for food and culture.... that they would choose FISH...

dun u think it's cool... so then... it seems like intelligence can never be measured...

----- final whistle, game over -----

in addition to that bottle cork and coin question... here's another crappy one...

Marsha and Majorie were born on the same day of the same month of the same year to the same mother and the same father... yet they are not twins... how is this possible???????

----- final whistle, game over -----

hey guys... think about this ya... i think it's a reali cool question...

put a coin into a bottle and then cork it.
how do you remove the coin from the bottle without breaking the bottle and without pulling out the cork???

those of you who've heard it before... dun spoil it for those who're thinkin about it...

----- final whistle, game over -----

goodness gracious me... i experienced smth reali reali odd today.

see i was walkin from VCH to Excelsior to get my gown..... near the supreme court and cathedral area there? yeps... den i saw this guy walkin towards me in the opposite direction and guess wad he was doing? he had his 2 hands literally grabbing his groin area. im not kidding... like reali grabbing it...

so i just... fished out myphone from my bag and attempted the "i din see anythin" and "let's pretend im smsing" thingy... haha!

to my... shock/disgust/surprise/amusement (i reali didnt know what to feel...) the guy actually came to me... and asked "excuse me do you know where the nearest toilet is? because i rrrrreeeeaaaaalllllllyyyyyy cannot STAND it anymore!!!!" (and yes... the "really" had the rolled-r and the "STAND" was extremely high pitched!!!) gosh... for that moment i thought i was on some reality TV gotcha show or smth... or candid camera for that matter...

and somehow after he asked me that, i just cldnt help but start grinning to myself and i had to supress my desire to burst out laughing... i just calmly pointed to the building behind supreme court, The Adelphi i think, and said in my nicest tone "I think there shld be a toilet there... u can try that building..."

hahaha! it was reali so weird.... cuz he din haf any qualms about his crotch-grabbing action... like it's perfectly normal for pple to do that in public??? u guys tell me...

well... just so those who wanna know can know... he just muttered a "thanks", ignored what i said... and carried on walkin in the same direction... towards padang and supreme court where.... obviously there were no toilets... but oh wells...

i just think it was so damn funny... i cldnt stop grinnin to myself like an idiot after that... i had to call someone to laugh it out rather than laugh to myself in the middle of city hall...

the weird things pple do ehz???

----- final whistle, game over -----

OOPS!

that's all i have to say for whatever's happened. some things got steered the wrong way... i guess i just din put it clearly on my blog... but then again i cldnt have mentioned names right??? but im glad i made sure i said wad i wanted to say and explained what i meant... although it may not have gotten through, i still hope that settles it...

went for today's SYF session... great job TK... u guys reali did well to deserve your honours... and finally saw miss lim again after a long long time... happy for her that her anderson got the honours too. yeps...

and since i was arnd the city hall area... i went to collect my chorale gown!! there goes 160 bucks... ouch! i hope i win soccer tonight... haha!

and it's back to studying... and waiting for marcus to call... finally it's wednesday... Sat's coming... HURRAH!!!! haha!

i am actually pretty intrigued by what happened... what i cant understand still is why the friends thing matters so much to you really? i mean... not that the msges were ultra friendly... were they? i reali nvr meant to intrude... just to settle and clarfiy certain things... and to think about it... i nvr intruded before this did i? it was only when the photo post came up on yr blog... and ya... this whole shit started occuring. as for the Josh thing... i heard that some "Josh" mentioned me in a conversation in army... so... was just double checking... any harm in that? not a very friendly move either right? eeeks.... i sometimes cant understand the "other half of the world" as marcus calls it... maybe that's why i seldom am seen hanging arnd that side with them... but itz a gd thing... no fascades... no drama... no heeheehaahaa's for me... yikes!

actually just now in the afternoon i was listening to Magic of Christmas... the one that my batch performed with the band? it reali brought back so many memories... like... although we din sound perfect... i still felt my hair stand. it was the... amazing feeling... den i went on to listen to Olympics recordings. reali damn damn shiok... like... i really treasure singing in VJChoir so much. all the memories... like pple always end up saying after graduating... VJChoir's a LIFESTYLE... a lifestyle worth remembering... and for me... a lifestyle worth sacrificing my bond with A54 for... a lifestyle worth flunking the a-levels for...

okie den... off to studyin attempts once again... im glad i stepped out of the house for smth gd today... 2 things gd actually... i heard a fantastic choir... and i quite like the gown too! :)

----- final whistle, game over -----

okie... this i have to post about... see in genting... there was this dinosaur land ride shit... so the passageway that leads u to the ride entrance has like some information on dinosaurs and all that... check out the signs... i think it is hilarious manz...

What is A dinosaurS

does a dinosaur HAS (A??) second brain

what makes (?) dinosaur a dinosaur

despite their great variety, ALL the dinosaur(SINGULAR) have to share at least a FEW common characteristic(SINGULAR) by which that group can be identified (Phrasing just wrong!)

BECAUSE animals..... BUT not all .... (where is the flow???)

okie... maybe u noe? a theme park is supposed to be fun... and full of shit... for pple to laugh at... but hey? does the local newspaper need the humour too?????????

goodness... somebody tell me why i shldnt go to Malaysia and open an English school there... now i seem to be more passionate about my dream of doing it... goodness gracious me...

----- final whistle, game over -----

manz... i reali miss you darling... i dunno how we're gonna last 2 yrs with yr siong NDU schedule and limited book outs... everyone says that having a bf in NDU is as gd as not having one. BAH! why cant pple be more encouraging... but wad u say is true... these 2 yrs is nth compared to the lifetime we wanna spend together... yeps... ill pull through... ull pull through... we'll pull through manz... :D

anyway... these are some of the genting fotos we took...

in the hotel lift...

waiting for some ride...

in the caterpiller monorail... doing stupid things...

eating yummy but expensive food...

me going crazy with heights in ferris wheel...

feeding coys...

go kart fun...

my baby, the go kart racer...

my baby the bumper car rider...

my baby the aeroplane pilot...

my baby the boat peddler...

my baby the sludge zoomer...

my baby the kart driver...

----- final whistle, game over -----

AHHHHHHH sucks like hell....

and i was looking forward so much to yr call... but now that ive heard yr voice... it freaking hurts so much more... just hearing your voice made me cry already...

i reali thought i'd do better than this... but it's not working out the way i expected to... i really miss you like hell...

----- final whistle, game over -----

oh manz... it sucks again... and i thought it was going to be easier cuz u noe... ive been there before, done it before kinda thing? but oh manz... it still sucks...

now everything seems so different... buying newpaper also feels different... looking at soccer odds myself is so weird... everything is just not the normal manz... cuz reali... come to think of it... we reali did everything together... and now... haiz...

it was easy... trying to smile... being cheerful... sleeping my time away... but no... when the reality hits and sets in... it reali sucks... it reali does...

i guess i just have to focus all my time on mugging for upcoming exams then... which i hope ill do well... cuz i reali want my 2nd class honours... maybe ill just hafta settle for a 3rd class... :( oh well... hopefully ill do well...

oh and maybe i can start tryin to convince my dad to lend me the car next saturday night... the only problem here is that... it's all the way to Sembawang... if it's bedok or tampines or siglap i dun think he'll have a problem... but sembawang? hmmm... pray hard he'll allow it...

manz... i need you and i reali miss you... i hope ure missing me too...

----- final whistle, game over -----

life is never fair. ive come to realise that.

the good things you always do are always forgotten one you make one slip and one mistake... pple start blaming you and punishing you for all that you've done wrong and refuse to look at the good things you did...

and that time span can even be in one day manz... like... i can do smth nice for someone in that one day... and then after that when i do smth wrong or say smth wrong... the person can treat me like ive murdered a person...

seriously... ive had enough of being patient and understanding and nice without any of it in return manz...

to all the souls out there who can treat pple nice and yet accept being treated horribly... you guys are noble souls manz... you have my respect and admiration...

seriously... sometimes it feels like when you're nicer to a person... that person will just take for granted - both you and the things you do...

----- final whistle, game over -----

25061987
perfect 21

Currently...

.NUS.
.E-Lang Major.
.Victoria Chorale.
.enjoying my break before year 3 starts

Loves

~ Marcus B
~ DOLPHINS!
~ VJ Choir
~ Victoria Chorale
~ potatoessss
~ KIDS!!! :D
~ my friends
~ singing and music
~ playing the piano
~ watching plays & musicals etc.
~ reading
~ the beach, the waves, the sea breeze
~ the stars, the clouds, the night sky
(im rather easy to please...)

Wants

* to work on speech therapy as a career
* to improve my vocab
* to pick up cantonese
* to pick up malay
* to go on doing theory
* to watch all the musicals in the world
* to learn voice after i finish my licenciate in oral comm
* to improve playin the guitar
* pick up the bass guitar
* to learn drums
* to read as many books as i can

My Shoppin List

$ the new Man U jersey
$ more man u merchandise
$ a new hp
$ the Julia Quinn books that i dun yet have
$ forrest gump OST
$ ABBA gold album

SOV 2007
Josh's Bday Party
Filming Day at VJ
Kayaking
Kite Flying
Steamboat at Bugis
Uncle Philip's Bday
Cus' First Pay Cheque
Penang 2007
CNY 2007
Cus Surprise Bday Party
Genting & KL 07

Rockapella
Les Miserables
SDD 06
Phuket :)
Pre Xmas Season
Night Safari
Night Lights
Heaven Family Over
Xmas Night, BBQ & Countdown
B's Pressies For Me
Xmas Mass
Carolling
Alph & Ambrose Over
Post Xmas BBQ
Kajang Trip
Korean BBQ
SIA Sports Club
Back To VJ

Coolio Fotos

First Fotos Wif The Cam
To The Zoo, 290906
My Bday :)
Dad N Mum's Anni Party
World Cup Opening Night
Airport Studyin, 30th May
TPJ Choir Concert, 31st May
Studyin, 1st June
To The Airport, 2nd June
KL Trip
Random Fotos
MumpsiCUS

Family Pics

Kevin's Wedding, 7th Oct
Yeen's Wedding
Grandma's Bday 06
Cock Pics Wif Sam
Xmas 03
Xmas 04
CNY 2004
CNY 2006
San Fan & Yosemite Trip
Wei Wei's Wedding
Adelaide Trip 04
Adelaide Trip 05
Da Jiez Grad Ceremony

Choir Pics

Spore Idol 04
Birthday Party 04
SOV 04
Germany Olympics 04
Random Pics 04
Nostalgia 05
Jamie's Bday 05
Open House 05
Oriental Caroling 05
Sentosa 05
SDD 05
Random Pics 05
Me with peers
Me with juniors
Farewell Party

THE gang

aDrIaN
bEnT
gAbRiEl


vc links

jAmIe
yC
tErReNce
dAwN

nomanisanisland links

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other coolio links

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